Closure

Closure.

Today was the day that I met Rachel again. Its been 6 months and 10 days since we broke up, and if we remained together we would have marked our one year anniversary 8 days ago.

For me closure to a particular phase in ones life is always essential in order to move on. For the past six months I have been dreading this day not knowing how I would feel or react. I’m a very emotionally intense person having the capacity to experience a mast array of emotions even with the simplest thought or experience. Today was the ‘litmus’ paper test of how I was doing in regards to moving on in my life. I have been praying to God for me to be ok with this meeting. Praying that meeting up with Rachel would not turn out to be something out of a ‘hollywood’ movie with all the drama of unresolved feelings and emotions. I think God has provided me with exactly what I had prayed for. Eventhough I got exactly what I had prayed for. Do I feel happy? Not at this particular moment as its really a bittersweet ending. Why was it bittersweet? Because I feel that there is still love there.. but no longer the romantic love. I do feel that Rachel still cares for me a lot whether it be out of guilt or something more sincere I don’t know at this point in time.

For myself I know that in my heart I still really love her a lot but it is no longer the same. May be it was because of the betrayal of her leaving me for someone else, or I no longer saw the passion, enthusiasm, the ‘happy go lucky’ person in her. There is this ‘cynicism’ in her. I don’t think it’s because she no longer loves me that she doesn't not interact with me with more enthusiasm but I think she’s taken on a more ‘cynical’ approach in life. Maybe she’s been disappointed with herself and also with other things happening in her life. Whatever the case may be I do hope that her happy optimistic passionate self will ‘resurface’ again in due time.

We went to close off our bank account today. Realizing that a long distance relationship was not the most easiest type of relationship to maintain, I had wanted to really put in that effort to make it work. Unlike many other couples who wanted to declare their commitment to eachother with a ring or necklace. I thought setting up a bank account would be the most suitable thing. With the bank account we would be able to prove to immigration officials that our relationship was not a hoax and we were serious in our commitment, and that if all goes well in a year’s time I could sponsor Rachel to be with me in Canada. Also the purpose of the bank account was to ensure that Rachel did not feel financially strapped with the long distance bills. I wanted the bank account to be our bank account so that she would never have to worry about the ‘money’ issue.

Relationships are hard enough to maintain I wanted to minimize as much hurdles as I could. I remember the day that we went to open up the bank account. I remember what Rachel said that it felt like ‘we were married’. Yes it was a good feeling maybe in hindsight it wasn’t that realistic but regardless, it was how both of us felt at that point in time. I’ve always been afraid of commitments and opening up this bank account was really a big step for me for it symbolized to me that yes I can really see me being happy with Rachel for the rest of my life or at least try to attempt to make our relationship last.

Closing the bank account I had images in my mind that the bank officer would ask us why we wanted close the account. In my mind I recited to myself that ‘business’ that we were in together never worked out.

I am very sad and disappointed that things had to turn out this way. During the past six months I can no longer allow myself to feel what my heart is feeling but rather what my head tells me to feel. Because if I allowed my heart to continue then I wouldn’t have been able to move on. It’s hard to make your heart artificially feel for someone (which is close to impossible) but it’s also just has difficult to stop your heart from feeling anymore. It’s like putting a pillow over a baby’s head and try suffocating them while their life is just starting. It’s so sad to have to abruptly cut off such wonderful beautiful feelings. But what can one do? The choice was not mine to end the relationship. Life has to go on. My only choices were to either mope around and be depressed or try to get better. I was together with Rachel for only six months so I guess yes yes.. I’ve taken a long time to get over this. It’s taken me just as long to get over her as the duration of the relationship itself. I dont' think it's because i tried to artificially 'intensify' my love for her... but rather because i am a highly sensitive and sentimental person and my love for her was very deep and real. Looking back at how long i have grieved over her in comparison to how long we were together i don't look back at it with remorse. Rather if i had to do this all over again i think i would because at that point in time i truly experienced a wonderful love and someone really loving me back. It was worth every minute of it.

The timing of when a break up should occur is never good. For the fortunate few, relationships can last for a life time however in most cases there is a beginning and an end. In some cases the break ups may have ended abruptly ending at a time when the feelings are still very strong but for some unknown reason, one party decides to leave. As for other relationships the breakup never occurs until there are no more feelings at all. It’s easier to maintain a friendship when the breakup occurs at the time when the relationship has run its full course. I think the break up with Rachel and I was more of the earlier case.. it ended when the feelings were still strong. Well at least for me it was.

You know that story about people coming into your life for a reason, season or lifetime? Well I had hoped that my encounter with Rachel was meant to be for a lifetime.. and it would be a lifetime partner ship. It was like watching a movie. With Rachel I had thought that it would be one of those Korean drama series that would have over a hundred episodes. I really didn’t expect our movie to be only two hours long. I guess that is what I am sad about. Although I haven’t had many relationships before I felt like Rachel was the one, and I believed that at one point in time she felt the same way about me. Its always sad to see how intense emotions can be at one point in time. And then as quickly and intense it came, as quickly did Rachel leave me. I really did try my best. Eventhough we were thousands of miles apart I tried my best to make her feel secure and that I was committed to her. Today she was talking about one of her ex, and how she can’t be in communication with her ex as it brought about too many insecurities to her ex’s current partner. I remarked that ‘A’ shouldn’t give in to ‘N’s securities. I sounded so harsh about what one should do and shouldn’t do. But I thought to myself that I myself did the same thing when I was with Rachel.. I almost cut off most contact with my friend Jenny. Not because there was any validity in her insecurities but because of respect I did that for Rachel. I think I almost sacrificed one of my closest friendships for her. I am ashamed that i allowed my friendship with Jenny to be put on the back burner. I've always been an extremely loyal friend, but I guess at that point in time I think I would have done anything for Rachel to let her know how much I loved her, not only in words but by my actions. Eventhough I may be emotional, I’m not an impulsive person everything that I did for Rachel was real. She was indeed very precious to me.. and i thought if i put in everything that i could, then i can truly say to myself that i really tried my best, and if things still didn't work out i would look back on this without any regrets.

i have never been very good at allowing people to love me and i think all along i've closed up this part of me. I think i didn't allow myself to truly love and also to allow someone else to truly love me until i met Rachel. I think I completely opened up my heart to her. This may sound confusing but by allowing the possibility of having her move to Canada to be with me.. was very very scary but it was because i really loved Rachel alot that i allowed her to give me something to really open my heart and allow myself to be loved. At most times we measure how much we love a person by how much we do for a person or how much love we give to them. There is also another indicator to measure how much you love someone.. it is by allowing yourself to receive love from that person. For it is through this action that we allow our heart to truly be open and vulnerable. When you love and give to someone you are in control however when you open your heart to allow love in you are allowing the other person to be in control. By loving in this way you are being totally vulnerable. Your heart is no longer guarded. This is the riskiest part of being in love.

I keep using this analogy of eating a dish and comparing it with the intensity of love for a person. At that point in time you might love the flavour of a particular dish you are tasting.. however who is to say that you might not love the taste of another type of food you might potentially eat in the future. Yes this is a very optimistic view on life. But the sad irony is that it was not my choice to stop eating the dish that I so dearly loved.. the dish was abruptly taken away from me right in the middle of my meal. I have no choice but to take this opimistic approach because if i didn't i would continue to grieve for a dish that i know that i will never be able to taste again. I would only be living in the past and I would be closing the possibilities of being happy again in the future.

I remember when Shelby came to visit me in Vancouver in October she asked me how I was doing and how I was coping with the break up. I told her that it feels like I am walking around without a limb. I felt like a part of me was missing, even though I would continue to do the things that I usually do I did not feel complete as if I was missing a body part. But being an optimistic person, I told her that like a crab who would grow back a leg. I too would also grow back that limb. I know that in time I too will feel better and that I will love again. I think it’s basically a choice we make. If we choose to be pessimistic and cynical about life then we are not open to the possibilities. Simliar to finding a parking space in a parking lot, if you don’t circle around a couple of times to look for that empty space how are you going to find that empty space? If we are open to the idea that we can be happy then we will be. Its not what happens in your life that makes a difference it’s how you perceive your life to be. I pray that I will never lose this optimism and passion in life.