Closure

Closure.

Today was the day that I met Rachel again. Its been 6 months and 10 days since we broke up, and if we remained together we would have marked our one year anniversary 8 days ago.

For me closure to a particular phase in ones life is always essential in order to move on. For the past six months I have been dreading this day not knowing how I would feel or react. I’m a very emotionally intense person having the capacity to experience a mast array of emotions even with the simplest thought or experience. Today was the ‘litmus’ paper test of how I was doing in regards to moving on in my life. I have been praying to God for me to be ok with this meeting. Praying that meeting up with Rachel would not turn out to be something out of a ‘hollywood’ movie with all the drama of unresolved feelings and emotions. I think God has provided me with exactly what I had prayed for. Eventhough I got exactly what I had prayed for. Do I feel happy? Not at this particular moment as its really a bittersweet ending. Why was it bittersweet? Because I feel that there is still love there.. but no longer the romantic love. I do feel that Rachel still cares for me a lot whether it be out of guilt or something more sincere I don’t know at this point in time.

For myself I know that in my heart I still really love her a lot but it is no longer the same. May be it was because of the betrayal of her leaving me for someone else, or I no longer saw the passion, enthusiasm, the ‘happy go lucky’ person in her. There is this ‘cynicism’ in her. I don’t think it’s because she no longer loves me that she doesn't not interact with me with more enthusiasm but I think she’s taken on a more ‘cynical’ approach in life. Maybe she’s been disappointed with herself and also with other things happening in her life. Whatever the case may be I do hope that her happy optimistic passionate self will ‘resurface’ again in due time.

We went to close off our bank account today. Realizing that a long distance relationship was not the most easiest type of relationship to maintain, I had wanted to really put in that effort to make it work. Unlike many other couples who wanted to declare their commitment to eachother with a ring or necklace. I thought setting up a bank account would be the most suitable thing. With the bank account we would be able to prove to immigration officials that our relationship was not a hoax and we were serious in our commitment, and that if all goes well in a year’s time I could sponsor Rachel to be with me in Canada. Also the purpose of the bank account was to ensure that Rachel did not feel financially strapped with the long distance bills. I wanted the bank account to be our bank account so that she would never have to worry about the ‘money’ issue.

Relationships are hard enough to maintain I wanted to minimize as much hurdles as I could. I remember the day that we went to open up the bank account. I remember what Rachel said that it felt like ‘we were married’. Yes it was a good feeling maybe in hindsight it wasn’t that realistic but regardless, it was how both of us felt at that point in time. I’ve always been afraid of commitments and opening up this bank account was really a big step for me for it symbolized to me that yes I can really see me being happy with Rachel for the rest of my life or at least try to attempt to make our relationship last.

Closing the bank account I had images in my mind that the bank officer would ask us why we wanted close the account. In my mind I recited to myself that ‘business’ that we were in together never worked out.

I am very sad and disappointed that things had to turn out this way. During the past six months I can no longer allow myself to feel what my heart is feeling but rather what my head tells me to feel. Because if I allowed my heart to continue then I wouldn’t have been able to move on. It’s hard to make your heart artificially feel for someone (which is close to impossible) but it’s also just has difficult to stop your heart from feeling anymore. It’s like putting a pillow over a baby’s head and try suffocating them while their life is just starting. It’s so sad to have to abruptly cut off such wonderful beautiful feelings. But what can one do? The choice was not mine to end the relationship. Life has to go on. My only choices were to either mope around and be depressed or try to get better. I was together with Rachel for only six months so I guess yes yes.. I’ve taken a long time to get over this. It’s taken me just as long to get over her as the duration of the relationship itself. I dont' think it's because i tried to artificially 'intensify' my love for her... but rather because i am a highly sensitive and sentimental person and my love for her was very deep and real. Looking back at how long i have grieved over her in comparison to how long we were together i don't look back at it with remorse. Rather if i had to do this all over again i think i would because at that point in time i truly experienced a wonderful love and someone really loving me back. It was worth every minute of it.

The timing of when a break up should occur is never good. For the fortunate few, relationships can last for a life time however in most cases there is a beginning and an end. In some cases the break ups may have ended abruptly ending at a time when the feelings are still very strong but for some unknown reason, one party decides to leave. As for other relationships the breakup never occurs until there are no more feelings at all. It’s easier to maintain a friendship when the breakup occurs at the time when the relationship has run its full course. I think the break up with Rachel and I was more of the earlier case.. it ended when the feelings were still strong. Well at least for me it was.

You know that story about people coming into your life for a reason, season or lifetime? Well I had hoped that my encounter with Rachel was meant to be for a lifetime.. and it would be a lifetime partner ship. It was like watching a movie. With Rachel I had thought that it would be one of those Korean drama series that would have over a hundred episodes. I really didn’t expect our movie to be only two hours long. I guess that is what I am sad about. Although I haven’t had many relationships before I felt like Rachel was the one, and I believed that at one point in time she felt the same way about me. Its always sad to see how intense emotions can be at one point in time. And then as quickly and intense it came, as quickly did Rachel leave me. I really did try my best. Eventhough we were thousands of miles apart I tried my best to make her feel secure and that I was committed to her. Today she was talking about one of her ex, and how she can’t be in communication with her ex as it brought about too many insecurities to her ex’s current partner. I remarked that ‘A’ shouldn’t give in to ‘N’s securities. I sounded so harsh about what one should do and shouldn’t do. But I thought to myself that I myself did the same thing when I was with Rachel.. I almost cut off most contact with my friend Jenny. Not because there was any validity in her insecurities but because of respect I did that for Rachel. I think I almost sacrificed one of my closest friendships for her. I am ashamed that i allowed my friendship with Jenny to be put on the back burner. I've always been an extremely loyal friend, but I guess at that point in time I think I would have done anything for Rachel to let her know how much I loved her, not only in words but by my actions. Eventhough I may be emotional, I’m not an impulsive person everything that I did for Rachel was real. She was indeed very precious to me.. and i thought if i put in everything that i could, then i can truly say to myself that i really tried my best, and if things still didn't work out i would look back on this without any regrets.

i have never been very good at allowing people to love me and i think all along i've closed up this part of me. I think i didn't allow myself to truly love and also to allow someone else to truly love me until i met Rachel. I think I completely opened up my heart to her. This may sound confusing but by allowing the possibility of having her move to Canada to be with me.. was very very scary but it was because i really loved Rachel alot that i allowed her to give me something to really open my heart and allow myself to be loved. At most times we measure how much we love a person by how much we do for a person or how much love we give to them. There is also another indicator to measure how much you love someone.. it is by allowing yourself to receive love from that person. For it is through this action that we allow our heart to truly be open and vulnerable. When you love and give to someone you are in control however when you open your heart to allow love in you are allowing the other person to be in control. By loving in this way you are being totally vulnerable. Your heart is no longer guarded. This is the riskiest part of being in love.

I keep using this analogy of eating a dish and comparing it with the intensity of love for a person. At that point in time you might love the flavour of a particular dish you are tasting.. however who is to say that you might not love the taste of another type of food you might potentially eat in the future. Yes this is a very optimistic view on life. But the sad irony is that it was not my choice to stop eating the dish that I so dearly loved.. the dish was abruptly taken away from me right in the middle of my meal. I have no choice but to take this opimistic approach because if i didn't i would continue to grieve for a dish that i know that i will never be able to taste again. I would only be living in the past and I would be closing the possibilities of being happy again in the future.

I remember when Shelby came to visit me in Vancouver in October she asked me how I was doing and how I was coping with the break up. I told her that it feels like I am walking around without a limb. I felt like a part of me was missing, even though I would continue to do the things that I usually do I did not feel complete as if I was missing a body part. But being an optimistic person, I told her that like a crab who would grow back a leg. I too would also grow back that limb. I know that in time I too will feel better and that I will love again. I think it’s basically a choice we make. If we choose to be pessimistic and cynical about life then we are not open to the possibilities. Simliar to finding a parking space in a parking lot, if you don’t circle around a couple of times to look for that empty space how are you going to find that empty space? If we are open to the idea that we can be happy then we will be. Its not what happens in your life that makes a difference it’s how you perceive your life to be. I pray that I will never lose this optimism and passion in life.

Breakups

A good couple friend of mine ( C and J) who have been together for 10 years and is legally married here in Vancouver have finally called it quits. I am close to both of them and they have both confided in me their problems. Its quite heart wrenching and I can totally understand what they are going through yet i dont' think i can give them any good advice on how to patch things up. The only advice i can give to them is to really really try to listen to the other party. Sometimes it's not important what ones perceives to be the truth because one's perception of the truth is subjective, and mebbe there is no absolute truth anyways. It's quite sad how two people that have been together for 10 years have grown apart so much that there is so much misunderstanding and misconceptions going on. I guess we all take for granted how much we know and understand our partners. What i'm learning from looking at the dynamics between C and J is to really learn to listen, no matter how much you think you know an individual, one needs to put down all their preconceptions and really listen. I for one really need to work on this.

Another thought that came to my mind was ... when is the appropriate time to really call it quits? when one party no longer loves the other in that romantic way? or if they cease to love their partner all together. the answer is easier if the couple was just dating... however what happens if the couple is married.. when they made that oath to stick together till death do you part? isn't there any validity in this. i'm not asking this question becuase i dont' think that C and J didnt' try hard enough but where do we draw the line? If a couple is married if they are miserable being in the marriage is that a good enough reason to break up? and if that is a good enough reason why would any one believe in the concept of a life time commitment or marriage anyways???


Lately i've been thinking about the idea of that mebbe the 'right one' is probably not a sustainable concept. You may have met the right one.. however that 'right one might only be valid for that particular point in your life. For the fortunate few, the concept of the 'right one' could potentially be for a lifetime however for most of us.. the 'right one' is probably only for that duration in time. If we are a looking for the 'right one' that will last a life time many of us will end up getting disappointed mebbe we should just look for the right one at that point in time, and just enjoy the moment.. and appreciate that each day that you have together is a blessing from God. We ourselves have no control in which direction we grow or change so isn't it hard to expect someone else to grow and change in the same direction? hmm.. this is not to say to just throw in the towel when things are not going well but to not take for granted each day we have with this person.

Another lesson i learned from what is happening to C & J is that i take for granted that everyone behaves and acts like me. I mean i guess it's good to have that certain level of empathy and put yourself in the other's person shoes.. however i guess we must also realize that yes if you put yourself in that person's shoes "i would take route A".. however we need to realize that the other person is NOT you... thus that's why the other person would take route B. I'm slowly realizing this now.

When hearing C and J talk about their situation i was immersed in so much sadness that i started getting teary eyed. Both of them are not very emotional, and it's not like they do not have much love for eachother.. but they are just not the emotional type. yes yes i'm such a cry baby......i thought to myself.. imagine building your world with another person, building a life and then to have it all fall apart... the home you had together... the friends you used to hang out with. I once was in a 4 year relationship where i had lived together with my partner.. i remember that leaving her was the hardest thing i ever had to do... and now i look at C and J and hope that they won't have to go through as rough of a time as i did.

But then again i'm a highly sensitive person... a normal person might have the capacity to feel from a 1 to 10.. I on the otherhand have the capacity to feel 1 to 50 thus my highs are very high and my lows are very low.. my only saving grace is that luckily my lows don't last for very long, and most of the time I have able to sustain my highs. :-P If given a choice i would stil prefer to be me.. one to experience the extremes highs and lows because this allows me to 'suck' every ounce out of life... when i see a sunset i don't only see the hues of orange and red... i see the entire spectrum and i can literally 'feel' the colours.... i wouldn't trade this in for anything else in the world! So yes when i get hurt i get really hurt but when i am happy i am really happy. So what that i get hurt.. i can crawl back up just as easily but this time only stronger and wiser. :-) At least my life will never be boring.



Another interesting thing with J is that she is not much of a deep thinker so i asked her if she thinks if there is anything that she thinks she could have done to make it work better she just shrugged it off and said.. 'well that's just the way i am'....it's not like she's mad at C because J is the one that really wants to make the relationship work, but it's very interesting how some people can walk away from a relationship and not have any self reflection on the situation. I'm not going to be a hypocrite and criticize J for not having any self reflective thought on the matter but yet i'm shocked because if it was me.. i would try to process the events of what happened and try to learn from them. I'm not saying that mine is the better approach because i think my approach would trigger more heart wrenching pain however i do think that my approach would provide me with more insight on what i can do to make things better when i do have the opportunity to meet someone new in my life. I guess that is the trade off... with J's approach she will probably be able to bounce back from this breakup easier than someone who is more reflective on their approach. BUT would she learn as much from the experience as i would have? I don't think that there is an easy answer to this as i think the approach that someone takes when faced with an obstacle in life is largely dictated by their personality. I think i'm just a very inquisitive and contemplative person and for me to just shrug things off so trivially, I would think that i would not have dealt with my issues. Where as for other it may be they don't have to take that route and is able to move on easily. Lately i've become more and more aware of situations and things around me,, i feel like every day another 'lightbulb' will go off.. and then i would 'knock myself on the head' and think.. why didn't i think of that earlier...i feel like a little kid who's just had their first trip to the playground... :-) excited about all the things that i am learning.

The Beauty of Nature

It was damn cold here... i was soaked to the bone as it was raining heavily. A close friend of mine recently paid me a visit from Sg so i'd thought i would do a short photo trip with her to Oregon. The below photo is one of the many numerous waterfalls from the Columbia Gorge Valley. Unfortunatley we were plagued by heavy rain so we had to 'condomized' our Camera gear. ( A.K.A. Ziplocked bagged our cameras and lenses) equipped with umbrellas and tripods we braved the cold damp weather and hiked up to these scenic areas just to catch that perfect photo. Unfortunatley the photo here doesn't do it justice. I could literally spend an entire month here venturing on the different trails photographing all the amazing scenery. Sometimes i feel so fortunate that i have been blessed with many opportunities to travel so extensively to do my photography :-) ...

The Struggle to Survive

Today i drove a tiring 1.5 hours each way just to spend 30 minutes to have a chance to take photos of Salmon swimming upstream to spawn. At this time of year the salmon turns into this vibrant deep red as they are nearing the end of their lives. Against the odds of being preyed on by bears, fishermen, eagles and etc. they travel thousands and thousands of miles upstream against the strong current back to the fresh water ponds where they hatched to spawn. By this time they flesh is literally rotting and they have stopped feeding. This last act of spawning completes their life cycle and they die in the streams where they originated.

I was also here the previous weekend, however I came with a friend. She noted how one's life, simliar to the salmon is so hard. Basically it's a struggle, even at the point of death,,, its always a struggle, nothing is in your hands. I thought this to be a very deep and profound yet sad thought. I guess it's always a struggle because we try to attach ourselves to things and people in which we basically really have no control over.

We can to the best of our ability strive to have that sense of 'connectedness' however sometimes its our unattainable desires and wants that fuels the sense of loss, and struggle in our lives.

Does that mean we would be happier if we have no desires and dreams? Probably not, because that would mean that our hearts and souls are dead. It's only through dreams, ambitions, and goals that makes us feel alive. May be we need to focus on the journey rather than the end result itself.

Sorta like a road trip... When you are on a road trip the entire experience should be satisfying.... you should or at least in my case.. enjoy the drive, enjoy the music/singing in the car, and the scenery along the road side. In that way even though you may be disappointed with the destination at least you had fun while you were driving!

Only Time

They say that time will heal all wounds.... lately i've been feeling more at peace with myself may be i'm shedding my old skin and growing into the new me. A stronger, wiser, and spiritual me....

Beautiful Colours of Autumn

I took this on my lunch break yesterday while i was walking around with my little Canon Point and Shoot. I've always been so fascinated with the wide spectrum of colours everywhere around you during this time of year.

My First Acrylic Painting after a 20 year hiatus.

The end results of a 'tormented artist'. Currently I feel that I have a huge surge in creativity. There are endless beautiful melodies in my head that i would like to write down and record, however it's still very painful to play the piano right now as it reminds me too much of Rachel. I do know that in time I will play the piano again... just hopefully by that time i won't lose the tunes that i have in my head. :-P

I've always been 'artsy fartsy' however it's only in times when i go through an intensely painful period will i have this need to want to express myself through art or music. Please don't be too concerned as from what you can see in this painting.. it's definitely not entirely sad. I view this stage in my life as a 'rebirth'. This will be a new phase in my life.... where i am now equipped with additional 'life tools' that i've just recently learned to help me deal with whatever obstacles I may encounter in the future.

I know and feel that i am getting better and better each day..it's currently autumn in Vancouver right now. During this time of year the leaves on the trees change into a variety of vibrant hues of orange, reds and yellows. This only lasts for a period of around two or three weeks so it's basically reminding me that time never stays still. Everyday on my way to work I will have a smile on my face while i look at all the beautiful colours of the leaves. With each morning I will notice that there will be less and less leaves on the trees. This is just a reminder that life is really too short. Regardless of what unpleasant experiences you may have.. life just goes on, just like the beautiful leaves on the branches... initially they are a vibrant green,then they turn yellow and then eventually evolving into its final stage of orange before falling off of the branches resulting into a brown colour on the grass. There is an impermanence to everything.

Whether they be happy or sad experiences they are only here for a temporary period of your life. Things are constantly changing, and evolving. When there are happy moments never take them for granted and if there are sad moments be glad that in time these unhappy experiences will too also evolve.