This is the night... the night that it has become official and that the reality that i have been wanting to avoid is finally here. My ex g/f that i really loved like i never loved before has chosen to be with someone else. I finally got her to verbally admit to it. It really hurts like hell.. but no matter how hard it was for me to hear her say that i knew that i had to hear this. This has happened so quickly that I feel that a sword has just cut me in half when i wasn't looking..
I totally didn't see this coming. Would things have been easier if i was better prepared ? I'm not sure. it has only been a month since she gave me the news that she was attracted to this person.. back then i was so confident that her love for me would be strong enough to overcome her attraction to this other person.. the past month seems like it has been a very bad dream... is love such a fleeting feeling? how could something so concrete and solid ( well at least in my mind it felt concrete and solid) could disintegrate so quickly right in front of my eyes.. the tone in her voice, our conversations seem to be more and more distant..and it's just happening right in front of me.. i feel like i am watching a movie whereby i am the main character however my hands and legs are tied up thus preventing me to do anything while i watch her slip away.
I feel so helpless and so out of control it seems like there is nothing i can do to prevent this from happening. If i pursue her she is just going to run away if i distance myself from her she will only forget about me in time and her attraction to this other woman will build up as she can be physically present there. the only ammunition I have is our precious moments and memories together.. i hope taht she just doesn't sweep them under the rug and just forget about all the happy times that we had.
Is love really that cheap? doesn't saying the words ' I love you' have any permanence to it.. or does it simply fade once the person closes their mouth? or what does it really mean... saying the words ' i love you so much'... i guess it has different meanings for everyone.. I just wished people would be more responsible for what they say as it can be so harmful when people hear these words and really believe them.
Sometimes you can say that you love the person.. but it's just talk... it's really by their actions that you can tell whether the person loves you or not.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Sunday morning
it's 7:30 am in the morning.. and i'm forced to get up so that i can move my car out of the parking lot as they wil be doing some power washing in the parkade. I thought to myself hmm.. if i had a partner i could probably laze in bed and just whine and ask if she would be willing to move the car for me as i really hate to wake up so early in the mornings.. i whine like a little kid for a while...and probably make her a deal so that she would ungrudgingly get out of bed to do this for me . I'm thinking i would have mebbe promised her a nice back massage or something like that when she gets back. While my mind wanders off to this scenario where i would have a partner beside me to do the little things like this for me. I know that that was just a thought. In the process of thinking about this I have already gotten myself dressed, out of bed and looking for my car keys. I've just been so self sufficient on my own that my thoughts are what i would have done if i had a partner with me however it does not make me sad nor do i pity myself that i need to do them myself. I just do it... life just goes on...
Someone whom i dearly loved just told me last week that she feels that i didn't need her... there is lots that is processing through my mind right now... i'm just exploring this concept.. of what really is the meaning of need? it is just a concept that one perceives? how does one gage it? was i not expressive enough or was i too afraid to express that i needed her in fears that one day she would leave me. or did i hold back these thoughts in my head from her so as to not put too much pressure on the relationship?.. hmm.. i have to work on that... to improve myself in that way.. to find that right balance to allow myself to continue to be independent but yet dependent enough so that when two people are together they will both feel that there is a symbiosis going on and that is not one sided, and that she does not feel suffocated.. now looking back i don't really think it was one sided. However in the areas that i take in... the other party failed to see it.. in this aspect we are both guilty of this as we should have openly communicated about this more.. Don't get me wrong this is in no way a "witch hunt" to find the 'culprit' but rather a 'post mortem' of what went wrong and what i can do to improve myself so that i will not repeat the same mistakes twice. Things happen for a reason... the only thing i can take with me now is the experience and from what i can learn from it.
Someone whom i dearly loved just told me last week that she feels that i didn't need her... there is lots that is processing through my mind right now... i'm just exploring this concept.. of what really is the meaning of need? it is just a concept that one perceives? how does one gage it? was i not expressive enough or was i too afraid to express that i needed her in fears that one day she would leave me. or did i hold back these thoughts in my head from her so as to not put too much pressure on the relationship?.. hmm.. i have to work on that... to improve myself in that way.. to find that right balance to allow myself to continue to be independent but yet dependent enough so that when two people are together they will both feel that there is a symbiosis going on and that is not one sided, and that she does not feel suffocated.. now looking back i don't really think it was one sided. However in the areas that i take in... the other party failed to see it.. in this aspect we are both guilty of this as we should have openly communicated about this more.. Don't get me wrong this is in no way a "witch hunt" to find the 'culprit' but rather a 'post mortem' of what went wrong and what i can do to improve myself so that i will not repeat the same mistakes twice. Things happen for a reason... the only thing i can take with me now is the experience and from what i can learn from it.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
It's been four days and six hours since we've last talked or communicated via e-mail or sms. Not a single minute goes by without me thinking about what you are doing or how you are, or did you get enough sleep how is your work coming along..... There are so many things that i want to tell you.. about what i did today.. or what is on my mind. I guess during those 6 months... you have become such an integral part of my life that now not being able to contact you to give you this space to figure out what you want for yourself... it's taking some time to get used to.
When you think about it we've talked on the phone as if we were in the same city and i guess for me distance never was an issue. For me you are constantly in my mind and heart. Just the thought that you are in my life and that you loved me made me feel special.. so special that i have a smile on my face whenever i think about you.
I don't know what our outcome will be on whether or not you will come back , however i guess i will need to move on and accept the fact that whatever you decide or choose no matter how painful it will be.. because i love you so much i will need to accept what you would want.
I've learned a lot during the past 6 months.. Sorta like a child going into adolescence experiencing a growth spurt.
By having you in my life made me feel complete.. that there is you out there for me.... that someone is interested in the most mundane things about me... and it was because you loved me.. it was truly a beautiful experience. it's like these two lives becoming so intertwined that no matter what happiness, sadness, concerns, worry you have . you would want to share with the other person. For the first time in my life I really felt loved in the way that i wanted to be loved.. it's like this warm comfy feel that sits in the bottom of your heart.
The other day I thought to myself why am i going through so much at the moment... was it because i lost the concept of potentially having someone special in my life or was it because of you the person. Given that for the most part of my life i have been single and have been quite happy being on my own. I've come to the conclusion that yes it is you... not because of the concept of having a partner but it was you Rachel, you the person, you your heart,, you your soul... !.... I loved you as a package..... so i decided to make a list... this is not a list to intensify my pain of missing you but rather a list to celebrate what we truly had during this wonderful period of my life. so here is the list:
1. your optimism on life and your ability to be reflective in situations.
2. your ability to feel so much emotions,
3. your passion for life and how you want to try and do everything.
4. your enthusiasm to want to learn so many things
5. your kind heartedness
6. your confidence in yourself
7. your loving and caring nature towards me makes me feel like i am the luckiest person in this world because you loved me.
8. your wit and your sense of humour... we always had such a wonderful time whether it be we are talking about serious topics or we are just joking around poking fun of eachother.
9. our love for eachother.. and how we felt so safe and loved when we were together.. that no matter what obstacles we would be facing i would feel invincible.... because you were there to support me.
10 . my confidence and almost this instinctive behaviour to really love you and take care of you. it's like this marathon race.. it's like you are so motivated to do it because you know that you can.. it's like you have this urge to want to show and shower this person with all the love and beauty that you feel and experience.
11. my connection with you...that i can actually sense when you are thinking about me eventhough we are thousands of miles apart.
12. our compatability with eachother... knowing when to give in to the other person and knowing when to hold one's ground.. we never had any rough patches babe...
i feel that our time together ended up so abruptly that there are going to many more moments many more years of this if you are willing....i think we are really good for eachother.. i believe we fit... we were not entirely the same however in the areas in which we had differences we complemented eachother very well. The only thing that caused the problem is the physical distance between us. don't overestimate one's love for another in the absence of not having their physical presence around to give you that hug or to hold your hand when you feel that you need someone around. i know that being physically apart from eachother was not easy on you. Looking back i guess i should have never said taht i wasn't willing to move to Singapore because at the beginning of our relationship that was how i felt at that point in time... through what we went through.. i'm learning to be more flexible... and that there are many things that are not set in stone.
When you think about it we've talked on the phone as if we were in the same city and i guess for me distance never was an issue. For me you are constantly in my mind and heart. Just the thought that you are in my life and that you loved me made me feel special.. so special that i have a smile on my face whenever i think about you.
I don't know what our outcome will be on whether or not you will come back , however i guess i will need to move on and accept the fact that whatever you decide or choose no matter how painful it will be.. because i love you so much i will need to accept what you would want.
I've learned a lot during the past 6 months.. Sorta like a child going into adolescence experiencing a growth spurt.
By having you in my life made me feel complete.. that there is you out there for me.... that someone is interested in the most mundane things about me... and it was because you loved me.. it was truly a beautiful experience. it's like these two lives becoming so intertwined that no matter what happiness, sadness, concerns, worry you have . you would want to share with the other person. For the first time in my life I really felt loved in the way that i wanted to be loved.. it's like this warm comfy feel that sits in the bottom of your heart.
The other day I thought to myself why am i going through so much at the moment... was it because i lost the concept of potentially having someone special in my life or was it because of you the person. Given that for the most part of my life i have been single and have been quite happy being on my own. I've come to the conclusion that yes it is you... not because of the concept of having a partner but it was you Rachel, you the person, you your heart,, you your soul... !.... I loved you as a package..... so i decided to make a list... this is not a list to intensify my pain of missing you but rather a list to celebrate what we truly had during this wonderful period of my life. so here is the list:
1. your optimism on life and your ability to be reflective in situations.
2. your ability to feel so much emotions,
3. your passion for life and how you want to try and do everything.
4. your enthusiasm to want to learn so many things
5. your kind heartedness
6. your confidence in yourself
7. your loving and caring nature towards me makes me feel like i am the luckiest person in this world because you loved me.
8. your wit and your sense of humour... we always had such a wonderful time whether it be we are talking about serious topics or we are just joking around poking fun of eachother.
9. our love for eachother.. and how we felt so safe and loved when we were together.. that no matter what obstacles we would be facing i would feel invincible.... because you were there to support me.
10 . my confidence and almost this instinctive behaviour to really love you and take care of you. it's like this marathon race.. it's like you are so motivated to do it because you know that you can.. it's like you have this urge to want to show and shower this person with all the love and beauty that you feel and experience.
11. my connection with you...that i can actually sense when you are thinking about me eventhough we are thousands of miles apart.
12. our compatability with eachother... knowing when to give in to the other person and knowing when to hold one's ground.. we never had any rough patches babe...
i feel that our time together ended up so abruptly that there are going to many more moments many more years of this if you are willing....i think we are really good for eachother.. i believe we fit... we were not entirely the same however in the areas in which we had differences we complemented eachother very well. The only thing that caused the problem is the physical distance between us. don't overestimate one's love for another in the absence of not having their physical presence around to give you that hug or to hold your hand when you feel that you need someone around. i know that being physically apart from eachother was not easy on you. Looking back i guess i should have never said taht i wasn't willing to move to Singapore because at the beginning of our relationship that was how i felt at that point in time... through what we went through.. i'm learning to be more flexible... and that there are many things that are not set in stone.
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