A good couple friend of mine ( C and J) who have been together for 10 years and is legally married here in Vancouver have finally called it quits. I am close to both of them and they have both confided in me their problems. Its quite heart wrenching and I can totally understand what they are going through yet i dont' think i can give them any good advice on how to patch things up. The only advice i can give to them is to really really try to listen to the other party. Sometimes it's not important what ones perceives to be the truth because one's perception of the truth is subjective, and mebbe there is no absolute truth anyways. It's quite sad how two people that have been together for 10 years have grown apart so much that there is so much misunderstanding and misconceptions going on. I guess we all take for granted how much we know and understand our partners. What i'm learning from looking at the dynamics between C and J is to really learn to listen, no matter how much you think you know an individual, one needs to put down all their preconceptions and really listen. I for one really need to work on this.
Another thought that came to my mind was ... when is the appropriate time to really call it quits? when one party no longer loves the other in that romantic way? or if they cease to love their partner all together. the answer is easier if the couple was just dating... however what happens if the couple is married.. when they made that oath to stick together till death do you part? isn't there any validity in this. i'm not asking this question becuase i dont' think that C and J didnt' try hard enough but where do we draw the line? If a couple is married if they are miserable being in the marriage is that a good enough reason to break up? and if that is a good enough reason why would any one believe in the concept of a life time commitment or marriage anyways???
Lately i've been thinking about the idea of that mebbe the 'right one' is probably not a sustainable concept. You may have met the right one.. however that 'right one might only be valid for that particular point in your life. For the fortunate few, the concept of the 'right one' could potentially be for a lifetime however for most of us.. the 'right one' is probably only for that duration in time. If we are a looking for the 'right one' that will last a life time many of us will end up getting disappointed mebbe we should just look for the right one at that point in time, and just enjoy the moment.. and appreciate that each day that you have together is a blessing from God. We ourselves have no control in which direction we grow or change so isn't it hard to expect someone else to grow and change in the same direction? hmm.. this is not to say to just throw in the towel when things are not going well but to not take for granted each day we have with this person.
Another lesson i learned from what is happening to C & J is that i take for granted that everyone behaves and acts like me. I mean i guess it's good to have that certain level of empathy and put yourself in the other's person shoes.. however i guess we must also realize that yes if you put yourself in that person's shoes "i would take route A".. however we need to realize that the other person is NOT you... thus that's why the other person would take route B. I'm slowly realizing this now.
When hearing C and J talk about their situation i was immersed in so much sadness that i started getting teary eyed. Both of them are not very emotional, and it's not like they do not have much love for eachother.. but they are just not the emotional type. yes yes i'm such a cry baby......i thought to myself.. imagine building your world with another person, building a life and then to have it all fall apart... the home you had together... the friends you used to hang out with. I once was in a 4 year relationship where i had lived together with my partner.. i remember that leaving her was the hardest thing i ever had to do... and now i look at C and J and hope that they won't have to go through as rough of a time as i did.
But then again i'm a highly sensitive person... a normal person might have the capacity to feel from a 1 to 10.. I on the otherhand have the capacity to feel 1 to 50 thus my highs are very high and my lows are very low.. my only saving grace is that luckily my lows don't last for very long, and most of the time I have able to sustain my highs. :-P If given a choice i would stil prefer to be me.. one to experience the extremes highs and lows because this allows me to 'suck' every ounce out of life... when i see a sunset i don't only see the hues of orange and red... i see the entire spectrum and i can literally 'feel' the colours.... i wouldn't trade this in for anything else in the world! So yes when i get hurt i get really hurt but when i am happy i am really happy. So what that i get hurt.. i can crawl back up just as easily but this time only stronger and wiser. :-) At least my life will never be boring.
Another interesting thing with J is that she is not much of a deep thinker so i asked her if she thinks if there is anything that she thinks she could have done to make it work better she just shrugged it off and said.. 'well that's just the way i am'....it's not like she's mad at C because J is the one that really wants to make the relationship work, but it's very interesting how some people can walk away from a relationship and not have any self reflection on the situation. I'm not going to be a hypocrite and criticize J for not having any self reflective thought on the matter but yet i'm shocked because if it was me.. i would try to process the events of what happened and try to learn from them. I'm not saying that mine is the better approach because i think my approach would trigger more heart wrenching pain however i do think that my approach would provide me with more insight on what i can do to make things better when i do have the opportunity to meet someone new in my life. I guess that is the trade off... with J's approach she will probably be able to bounce back from this breakup easier than someone who is more reflective on their approach. BUT would she learn as much from the experience as i would have? I don't think that there is an easy answer to this as i think the approach that someone takes when faced with an obstacle in life is largely dictated by their personality. I think i'm just a very inquisitive and contemplative person and for me to just shrug things off so trivially, I would think that i would not have dealt with my issues. Where as for other it may be they don't have to take that route and is able to move on easily. Lately i've become more and more aware of situations and things around me,, i feel like every day another 'lightbulb' will go off.. and then i would 'knock myself on the head' and think.. why didn't i think of that earlier...i feel like a little kid who's just had their first trip to the playground... :-) excited about all the things that i am learning.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
The Beauty of Nature
It was damn cold here... i was soaked to the bone as it was raining heavily. A close friend of mine recently paid me a visit from Sg so i'd thought i would do a short photo trip with her to Oregon. The below photo is one of the many numerous waterfalls from the Columbia Gorge Valley. Unfortunatley we were plagued by heavy rain so we had to 'condomized' our Camera gear. ( A.K.A. Ziplocked bagged our cameras and lenses) equipped with umbrellas and tripods we braved the cold damp weather and hiked up to these scenic areas just to catch that perfect photo. Unfortunatley the photo here doesn't do it justice. I could literally spend an entire month here venturing on the different trails photographing all the amazing scenery. Sometimes i feel so fortunate that i have been blessed with many opportunities to travel so extensively to do my photography :-) ...
Sunday, October 14, 2007
The Struggle to Survive
Today i drove a tiring 1.5 hours each way just to spend 30 minutes to have a chance to take photos of Salmon swimming upstream to spawn. At this time of year the salmon turns into this vibrant deep red as they are nearing the end of their lives. Against the odds of being preyed on by bears, fishermen, eagles and etc. they travel thousands and thousands of miles upstream against the strong current back to the fresh water ponds where they hatched to spawn. By this time they flesh is literally rotting and they have stopped feeding. This last act of spawning completes their life cycle and they die in the streams where they originated.
I was also here the previous weekend, however I came with a friend. She noted how one's life, simliar to the salmon is so hard. Basically it's a struggle, even at the point of death,,, its always a struggle, nothing is in your hands. I thought this to be a very deep and profound yet sad thought. I guess it's always a struggle because we try to attach ourselves to things and people in which we basically really have no control over.
We can to the best of our ability strive to have that sense of 'connectedness' however sometimes its our unattainable desires and wants that fuels the sense of loss, and struggle in our lives.
Does that mean we would be happier if we have no desires and dreams? Probably not, because that would mean that our hearts and souls are dead. It's only through dreams, ambitions, and goals that makes us feel alive. May be we need to focus on the journey rather than the end result itself.
Sorta like a road trip... When you are on a road trip the entire experience should be satisfying.... you should or at least in my case.. enjoy the drive, enjoy the music/singing in the car, and the scenery along the road side. In that way even though you may be disappointed with the destination at least you had fun while you were driving!
Only Time
They say that time will heal all wounds.... lately i've been feeling more at peace with myself may be i'm shedding my old skin and growing into the new me. A stronger, wiser, and spiritual me....
Friday, October 5, 2007
Beautiful Colours of Autumn
I took this on my lunch break yesterday while i was walking around with my little Canon Point and Shoot. I've always been so fascinated with the wide spectrum of colours everywhere around you during this time of year.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
My First Acrylic Painting after a 20 year hiatus.
The end results of a 'tormented artist'. Currently I feel that I have a huge surge in creativity. There are endless beautiful melodies in my head that i would like to write down and record, however it's still very painful to play the piano right now as it reminds me too much of Rachel. I do know that in time I will play the piano again... just hopefully by that time i won't lose the tunes that i have in my head. :-P
I've always been 'artsy fartsy' however it's only in times when i go through an intensely painful period will i have this need to want to express myself through art or music. Please don't be too concerned as from what you can see in this painting.. it's definitely not entirely sad. I view this stage in my life as a 'rebirth'. This will be a new phase in my life.... where i am now equipped with additional 'life tools' that i've just recently learned to help me deal with whatever obstacles I may encounter in the future.
I know and feel that i am getting better and better each day..it's currently autumn in Vancouver right now. During this time of year the leaves on the trees change into a variety of vibrant hues of orange, reds and yellows. This only lasts for a period of around two or three weeks so it's basically reminding me that time never stays still. Everyday on my way to work I will have a smile on my face while i look at all the beautiful colours of the leaves. With each morning I will notice that there will be less and less leaves on the trees. This is just a reminder that life is really too short. Regardless of what unpleasant experiences you may have.. life just goes on, just like the beautiful leaves on the branches... initially they are a vibrant green,then they turn yellow and then eventually evolving into its final stage of orange before falling off of the branches resulting into a brown colour on the grass. There is an impermanence to everything.
Whether they be happy or sad experiences they are only here for a temporary period of your life. Things are constantly changing, and evolving. When there are happy moments never take them for granted and if there are sad moments be glad that in time these unhappy experiences will too also evolve.
Monday, September 24, 2007
The closest break up song i could find to reflect on what i am feeling
I Know Him So Well
Nothing is so good it lasts eternally
Perfect situations must go wrong
But this has never yet prevented me
Wanting far too much for far too long
Looking back I could have played it differently
Won a few more moments, who can tell
But it took time to understand the man
Now at least I know I know him well
Wasn't it good
Oh so good
Wasn't he fine
Oh so fine
Isn't it madness
He can't be mine
But in the end he needs a little bit more than me
More security
He needs his fantasy and freedom
I know him so well
No one in your life is with you constantly
No one is completely on your side
And though I move my world to be with him
Still the gap between us is too wide
Looking back I could have played it differently
(Looking back I could have played things some other way)
Learned about the man before I fell
(I was just a little careless maybe)
But I was ever so much younger then
(Much younger then)
Now at least I know him well
Now at least I know I know him well
Wasn't it good
Oh so good
Wasn't he fine
Oh so fine
Isn't it madness
He won't be mine
Didn't I know how it would go
If I knew from the start
Why am I falling apart
Wasn't it good, wasn't he fine
Isn't it madness
He won't be mine
But in the end he needs a little bit more than me
More security
He needs his fantasy and freedom
I know him so well
It took time to understand him
I know him so well
ok ok.. let's not get tooo overly dramatic here... i'm not falling apart, pardon for all the 'drama' with some of the lyrics in this song. AND please replace all the 'male'pronouns to the female 'pronouns'.. sorry i don't think there are many breakup songs for Lesbians :-P...
I've tried hard to find a song that could reflect on what i am feeling but i haven't been very successful.. Most breakup songs talk about yearning, or pleading for a lost love to come back.. however when you think about it,, wouldn't that be self serving? If one chooses to leave you, then you need to acknowledge the fact that they had made the conscious choice of leaving. Regardless of what the reason may be, there is no point in pleading to the person to come back when their heart is no longer there. Maybe they have found another love interest or they have just lost interest period. Whatever the reason may be, and no matter how hard it is to come to terms with it... we must need to respect that. That is part of loving yourself and the process of loving someone.. loving to the degree that you will respect their decision to move on,
In order for one to be entirely happy with someone in a relationship, one needs to love themselves first. How much do you think you really are loving yourself when you are pleading for someone to come back into a relationship when they no longer feel that way about you? Don't you think you deserve to have the right to be with someone that will love you wholeheartedly? I'm not saying this to be arrogant or conceited but rather it's about self love.
When you think about it.. we tend to always overlook this in the aspects of a relationship however in regards to anything else in our everyday lives we would always want the best for ourselves. Just think of something that are you are passionate about. For the purposes of this example we'll use the scenario of ordering food off of a menu in a restaurant. Isn't it natural that we will order what we love to eat the most ( or for those cheapos out there we would order something that would yield the highest reward for the money we are willing to spend_ :-P ) we would never say to ourselves.. "hmm.. i don't love myself very much so i will order something on the menu that i don't really like as i don't deserve it." The actions of loving ourselves in this example is by ordering food that would yield the highest level of satisfaction ..ironically sometimes in the areas relationships we don't always act in this state of self love.
How many times do you hear of people always wanting to get back together with someone that doesn't really love them... are we just
depriving ourselves of self love, thinking that we are not entitled to be loved to a higher capacity?
If they no longer love you in the way that they used to then may be they are doing you a favour by leaving you. Everyone deserves to be loved to the highest capacity. May be in their heart they know that they cannot love you in that way thus it is better to let you go than to keep you.
Please don't misinterpret that i am being sarcastic, angry or bitter about the situation.. however if you look on a higher level of things, when a person leaves you because they feel that they can no longer love you, then that is technically the right thing to do. If you tried to stay together when there are forces pulling you to grow in different directions then it would be heartwrenching for both parties. Please don't get me wrong.. i'm not one to just leave a relationship once any difficulties appear. Being the focussed, stubborn, and tenacious person that i am, i'm always one to persevere and try to find solutions to the problems.
What is tricky in situations like this is knowing when to put in the effort to want to work things out as compared to recognizing and really listening and accepting the decisions of the other person. When one party no longer feels that there is enough love to want to work things out then one needs to respect that. No matter how heartwrenching and painful the fact may be.. we need to face the truth of the matter and learn to let go without any resentment, bitterness or anger.
I'm still slowly learning how to do this.. i will have good days and i will have bad days.. but the important thing is that i know that i am heading in the right direction.
Nothing is so good it lasts eternally
Perfect situations must go wrong
But this has never yet prevented me
Wanting far too much for far too long
Looking back I could have played it differently
Won a few more moments, who can tell
But it took time to understand the man
Now at least I know I know him well
Wasn't it good
Oh so good
Wasn't he fine
Oh so fine
Isn't it madness
He can't be mine
But in the end he needs a little bit more than me
More security
He needs his fantasy and freedom
I know him so well
No one in your life is with you constantly
No one is completely on your side
And though I move my world to be with him
Still the gap between us is too wide
Looking back I could have played it differently
(Looking back I could have played things some other way)
Learned about the man before I fell
(I was just a little careless maybe)
But I was ever so much younger then
(Much younger then)
Now at least I know him well
Now at least I know I know him well
Wasn't it good
Oh so good
Wasn't he fine
Oh so fine
Isn't it madness
He won't be mine
Didn't I know how it would go
If I knew from the start
Why am I falling apart
Wasn't it good, wasn't he fine
Isn't it madness
He won't be mine
But in the end he needs a little bit more than me
More security
He needs his fantasy and freedom
I know him so well
It took time to understand him
I know him so well
ok ok.. let's not get tooo overly dramatic here... i'm not falling apart, pardon for all the 'drama' with some of the lyrics in this song. AND please replace all the 'male'pronouns to the female 'pronouns'.. sorry i don't think there are many breakup songs for Lesbians :-P...
I've tried hard to find a song that could reflect on what i am feeling but i haven't been very successful.. Most breakup songs talk about yearning, or pleading for a lost love to come back.. however when you think about it,, wouldn't that be self serving? If one chooses to leave you, then you need to acknowledge the fact that they had made the conscious choice of leaving. Regardless of what the reason may be, there is no point in pleading to the person to come back when their heart is no longer there. Maybe they have found another love interest or they have just lost interest period. Whatever the reason may be, and no matter how hard it is to come to terms with it... we must need to respect that. That is part of loving yourself and the process of loving someone.. loving to the degree that you will respect their decision to move on,
In order for one to be entirely happy with someone in a relationship, one needs to love themselves first. How much do you think you really are loving yourself when you are pleading for someone to come back into a relationship when they no longer feel that way about you? Don't you think you deserve to have the right to be with someone that will love you wholeheartedly? I'm not saying this to be arrogant or conceited but rather it's about self love.
When you think about it.. we tend to always overlook this in the aspects of a relationship however in regards to anything else in our everyday lives we would always want the best for ourselves. Just think of something that are you are passionate about. For the purposes of this example we'll use the scenario of ordering food off of a menu in a restaurant. Isn't it natural that we will order what we love to eat the most ( or for those cheapos out there we would order something that would yield the highest reward for the money we are willing to spend_ :-P ) we would never say to ourselves.. "hmm.. i don't love myself very much so i will order something on the menu that i don't really like as i don't deserve it." The actions of loving ourselves in this example is by ordering food that would yield the highest level of satisfaction ..ironically sometimes in the areas relationships we don't always act in this state of self love.
How many times do you hear of people always wanting to get back together with someone that doesn't really love them... are we just
depriving ourselves of self love, thinking that we are not entitled to be loved to a higher capacity?
If they no longer love you in the way that they used to then may be they are doing you a favour by leaving you. Everyone deserves to be loved to the highest capacity. May be in their heart they know that they cannot love you in that way thus it is better to let you go than to keep you.
Please don't misinterpret that i am being sarcastic, angry or bitter about the situation.. however if you look on a higher level of things, when a person leaves you because they feel that they can no longer love you, then that is technically the right thing to do. If you tried to stay together when there are forces pulling you to grow in different directions then it would be heartwrenching for both parties. Please don't get me wrong.. i'm not one to just leave a relationship once any difficulties appear. Being the focussed, stubborn, and tenacious person that i am, i'm always one to persevere and try to find solutions to the problems.
What is tricky in situations like this is knowing when to put in the effort to want to work things out as compared to recognizing and really listening and accepting the decisions of the other person. When one party no longer feels that there is enough love to want to work things out then one needs to respect that. No matter how heartwrenching and painful the fact may be.. we need to face the truth of the matter and learn to let go without any resentment, bitterness or anger.
I'm still slowly learning how to do this.. i will have good days and i will have bad days.. but the important thing is that i know that i am heading in the right direction.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Letting Go
It's weird that how no matter how many people will tell you to let things go.... only you yourself will know when the right time is to really have the strength and the courage to tread on new grounds and to finally close another chapter in ones life.
Once you come to terms with this, things ideas, and thoughts that may have probably tormented you as recently as a couple of days ago will no longer have the same affect now. It's like water beads running down Gortex, it no longer has the same effect where it can permeate through.
It's fascinating how one's healing process can really begin when one has finally let go. The most interesting aspect of this is that the external factors are no different then what it was before. It all has to do with you.. it's your choice on whether or not you allow someone else actions or words affect you.
This is way easier said than done and i guess as time can heal all wounds, it's only until you reach that point in time where either the threshold of pain is too great or when you have finally realized that it is entirely out of your control can you slowly steer your life back on track where the focus is you. All these are internal forces that are at work your eternal environment has not changed one bit. Unfortunately the pain only goes away when you finally come to terms of letting go of a love that was never meant to be.
Once you let go, the memories that you have had with the person is no longer painful. It is no longer a reminder of what you had lost but rather it is a reminder of what you can potentially have and also have the opportunity to seek in the future, and to remind yourself to never be complacent and settle for anything less. It's like tasting your favourite type of food for the first time.. who is to say that you will not savour anything else as pleasing to your palate in the future. Life is full of endless possibilities, you just have to look for them and believe that it really exists out there.
Instead of viewing a past relationship as the main movie in your life. Why not view a past relationship as a trailer or sneak preview of what is yet to come?
Ok the old me is coming back the forever optimist.... but don't we all live in Faith?
Once you come to terms with this, things ideas, and thoughts that may have probably tormented you as recently as a couple of days ago will no longer have the same affect now. It's like water beads running down Gortex, it no longer has the same effect where it can permeate through.
It's fascinating how one's healing process can really begin when one has finally let go. The most interesting aspect of this is that the external factors are no different then what it was before. It all has to do with you.. it's your choice on whether or not you allow someone else actions or words affect you.
This is way easier said than done and i guess as time can heal all wounds, it's only until you reach that point in time where either the threshold of pain is too great or when you have finally realized that it is entirely out of your control can you slowly steer your life back on track where the focus is you. All these are internal forces that are at work your eternal environment has not changed one bit. Unfortunately the pain only goes away when you finally come to terms of letting go of a love that was never meant to be.
Once you let go, the memories that you have had with the person is no longer painful. It is no longer a reminder of what you had lost but rather it is a reminder of what you can potentially have and also have the opportunity to seek in the future, and to remind yourself to never be complacent and settle for anything less. It's like tasting your favourite type of food for the first time.. who is to say that you will not savour anything else as pleasing to your palate in the future. Life is full of endless possibilities, you just have to look for them and believe that it really exists out there.
Instead of viewing a past relationship as the main movie in your life. Why not view a past relationship as a trailer or sneak preview of what is yet to come?
Ok the old me is coming back the forever optimist.... but don't we all live in Faith?
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
What was meant to be.......
Everything happens for a reason.. when things happen they happen in the most precise, perfect and timely way in which they were meant to happen.
Although at times it might be very painful to process and accept the series of events that unfold right in front of your eyes, as being only human we must accept the fact that we can only do our best and accept the fact that only God is truly in control. Once we accept the fact that things are really out of our control and there is a higher meaning to everything that happens it will be easier to let go. Through each incident or experience we go through we can only learn from it. It's only when we really let things go can the healing really begin.
Although at times it might be very painful to process and accept the series of events that unfold right in front of your eyes, as being only human we must accept the fact that we can only do our best and accept the fact that only God is truly in control. Once we accept the fact that things are really out of our control and there is a higher meaning to everything that happens it will be easier to let go. Through each incident or experience we go through we can only learn from it. It's only when we really let things go can the healing really begin.
Relationships based upon Need
A fully healthy relationship should not be based upon need but the desire to be in eachother's company, to fully love this person as they are, and to share with this special someone the beauty that you experience in life.
I frankly don't believe in that 'romantic connotation' that there is such thing as not being able to exist without the presence of another individual. Rather when you have someone special in your life it just makes things more wonderful. Your happiness in life should not be dependent on having someone in life, the happiness has to come from within yourself. Simliar to watching TV. When you have someone in your life that you love so dearly you are able to see the intricacies of all the various range of colours whereby if you are watching TV alone you can still enjoy the show but you might not be able to see all the beauty of the entire range of colours.
Overall i am a very self sufficient person or rather to use a better term a 'self reliant' person, this shouldn't be interpreted that i do not need or want someone in my life. I don't feel that i am *emotionally crippled* and i certainly do have the capacity to love. I do think I would like to have someone that i can share this life with, in bad and good times..through better or worse.. Life is so beautiful and at times it might be hard however . i do want to share and experience everything that life has to offer with a person that i will love and who will love me back.
It's like looking back at a photo album of your life.. all the photos in this album are markers of time in your life... wouldn't it be beautiful to be sitting with the person you love holding their hand and gracefully flipping through this photo album called life.. and to look back at all these photos of times and memories you shared together? and when you are finished you can look into their eyes and say thank you for sharing this life with me. ok ok call me the hopeless romantic but hmm.. ok i'm not the dreamy romantic type but the happy romantic type heh heh.
Yes i may be the type of person that needs alot of space, however with the right person.. i feel that i would never want to leave her side, and being in their physical/emotional presence would give me this warm fuzzy feeling inside. When i love someone they are constantly in my mind.. they dont' have to be physically there by my side.. as they are constantly in my mind and heart, and with thoughts of her i will constantly have a smile on my face.
I do admit that i am a very independent person and i'm very selective with whom i share my time with. This is not to say that i am anti-social nor do i lack any social skills in keeping a good network of solid friends... but most people who understand me will know that i am quite capable of enjoying my own company, as it gives me time to process and reflect on things. Asides from being by myself I can only find this sense of tranquility in the presence of my special someone.
I'm currently processing the the qualities of being 'self reliant'... shouldn't that give someone more security as being 'self reliant you are less 'needy' secure, independent and focussed. I would have never strayed, nor cheat because i know exactly what i want, and when i love someone all my focus is on her.
Without this person i would rather be alone than to find the company of others just for the sake of having someone in my life. In time i know that my heart will heal and then once again i will find that someone that i can love and who will love me back.
I frankly don't believe in that 'romantic connotation' that there is such thing as not being able to exist without the presence of another individual. Rather when you have someone special in your life it just makes things more wonderful. Your happiness in life should not be dependent on having someone in life, the happiness has to come from within yourself. Simliar to watching TV. When you have someone in your life that you love so dearly you are able to see the intricacies of all the various range of colours whereby if you are watching TV alone you can still enjoy the show but you might not be able to see all the beauty of the entire range of colours.
Overall i am a very self sufficient person or rather to use a better term a 'self reliant' person, this shouldn't be interpreted that i do not need or want someone in my life. I don't feel that i am *emotionally crippled* and i certainly do have the capacity to love. I do think I would like to have someone that i can share this life with, in bad and good times..through better or worse.. Life is so beautiful and at times it might be hard however . i do want to share and experience everything that life has to offer with a person that i will love and who will love me back.
It's like looking back at a photo album of your life.. all the photos in this album are markers of time in your life... wouldn't it be beautiful to be sitting with the person you love holding their hand and gracefully flipping through this photo album called life.. and to look back at all these photos of times and memories you shared together? and when you are finished you can look into their eyes and say thank you for sharing this life with me. ok ok call me the hopeless romantic but hmm.. ok i'm not the dreamy romantic type but the happy romantic type heh heh.
Yes i may be the type of person that needs alot of space, however with the right person.. i feel that i would never want to leave her side, and being in their physical/emotional presence would give me this warm fuzzy feeling inside. When i love someone they are constantly in my mind.. they dont' have to be physically there by my side.. as they are constantly in my mind and heart, and with thoughts of her i will constantly have a smile on my face.
I do admit that i am a very independent person and i'm very selective with whom i share my time with. This is not to say that i am anti-social nor do i lack any social skills in keeping a good network of solid friends... but most people who understand me will know that i am quite capable of enjoying my own company, as it gives me time to process and reflect on things. Asides from being by myself I can only find this sense of tranquility in the presence of my special someone.
I'm currently processing the the qualities of being 'self reliant'... shouldn't that give someone more security as being 'self reliant you are less 'needy' secure, independent and focussed. I would have never strayed, nor cheat because i know exactly what i want, and when i love someone all my focus is on her.
Without this person i would rather be alone than to find the company of others just for the sake of having someone in my life. In time i know that my heart will heal and then once again i will find that someone that i can love and who will love me back.
Love vs. Fear
Deep down when you peel down the layers of all emotions there are only two primary emotions. Love and Fear. It is from these two emotions that other feelings originate from. All positive emotions come from love, all negative emotions from fear. From love flows happiness, contentment, peace and Joy. From fear comes anger, hate, anxiety and guilt. Unfortunately these two polar opposites cannot mutually co-exist within ones' heart at any given point in time, there is either fear or love. It's impossible to have these feelings co-exist. Constantly in our minds we have to make a decision to be in a state of love or fear. At each point in time we choose one or the other. People fluctuate between these two emotions constantly however we must understand that in choosing love that does not guarantee that you will never experience fear again but rather when you choose to love, in time your fears will surface and will be finally healed. In the very beginning of my last relationship I was full of fear however as time progressed my love for this person expanded and grew and it gave me courage to choose love over fear. I felt with her in my life and my love for her i could conquer anything. It gave me the confidence to face many issues i had through the love that i was experiencing for her and also for myself. This love was like this energy,,, this constant energy that morphed and transcended into so many aspects of my life. Through this process i learned how to love myself better and to fully deal with the fears that i had with my past. Although this person has now left me, i no longer fear what i have been burdened with all these years. Instead i think in the process of choosing love over fear, i was able to look at all these 'ghosts' in my closet and deal with them head on. Althought right now my journey is going to be a difficult one i no longer feel that i am burdened with the past, i only have to deal with issues that i am currently experiencing now. The past is no longer relevant nor should it dictate the direction that i will take in the future.
At This Moment
What did you think
I would do at this moment
When you're standing before me
With tears in your eyes
Trying to tell me
that you have found you another
and you just don't love me no more
What did you think
I would say at this moment
When I'm faced with the knowledge
That you just don't love me
Did you think I would curse you
Or say things to hurt you
'cause you just don't love me no more
Did you think
I could hate you
Or raise my hands to you
Now come on you know me too well
How could I hurt you
when darling I love you
and you know
I'd never, never hurt you-oo-wo-oo...
What do you think
I would give at this moment
If you'd stay
I'd subtract twenty years from my life
I'd fall down on my knees
and kiss the ground that you walk on
If I could just hold you again
I'd fall down on my knees
I'd kiss the ground that you walk on baby
If I could just hold you
If I, could just hold you
If I, if I could just hold-hold you, again
Monday, September 3, 2007
New books i have been reading.
Lately i have been reading two books one of them is called " On Grief and Grieving" and the other one is called "Life Lessons" both of these books are co-written by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler. They are both leaders in their field of Palliative care. Its very interesting to see what these people's thoughts and values are at the end of one's life. Sometimes it is when we are closer to death do we really examine what is really important in life. Unfortunatley for most of us it is only at the end of one's life does one's perspective and view on life changes. The reason i am reading these two books is because if we can examine what is really important to those who are at the onset of death, wouldn't it be neat if we could apply these principles in the prime of our lives instead? May be in that way we can learn to be wiser and smarter and with less regrets.
Change in Tastes
Something as simple as a person's favourite dish or drink can change as the person's taste and preference evolves. We may come to realize that there are so many more types of food and drink that we have yet to savour... What makes one think that an object of affection will have any permanence at all? What makes people feel so confident that at a particular point in time we declare that we want to have a shot at spending a life time with someone? And at that point in time are they fully aware of the implications... what if one falls out of love, what is one party no longer wants to work on making the relationship work? what makes one party no longer want the relationship to work? fear? negativity? pessimism? insecurity? or another person that catches their attention? should the former object of affection just be cast aside like the 'favourite drink of the month'? into the rubbish bin? i think we should all try to be at least a little bit more responsible before expressing words that in any way could potentially give someone the hope that their love for another person is sustaining.. I think to be responsible individuals, we should try to the best of our abilities really process our thought prior to saying them. I personally try my best to do that in order to ensure that i am as sincere as i can be and also realistic with what i say. This is not to say that i am better than the next person.. i'm just saying taht i am very conscious of it and i am trying to be a better person. Sometimes i might hold back in explaining how i feel for fear that it was just for the moment.. and the implications of these words can potentially hurt someone very badly if there is no longer any validity of my sentence. Now is that the correct approach, i dunno. Sometimes i feel like i don't know anything anymore... need time to find myself again.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
View on Relationships
Sometimes one gages whether or not a relationship was successful based upon the duration of it.. we treat it as if every relationship was meant to last a life time. If every relationship was meant to last a lifetime then how do we really grow as an individual and identify what we really want and do not want in a life partner.
Also what we feel at the current time might not necessarily be consistent with how you will be feeling for a person let's say in a year,10 years or 25 years. Everything is in an impermanent state...there is really nothing constant about life itself. You can potentially grow together or you can grow apart.
Given that everyone is aware that the only thing constant in life is change itself dont'you think it's quite unrealistic to put such pressure on expecting each relationship that you are in to last a life time? Don't get me wrong i'm not saying to call it quits as soon as the 'honeymoon' period is over as realistically it does take alot of commitment and effort to make relationships work.
It's not like how they portray it in Hollywood where every day you will feel that you are totally in love with this person or connected with this person. Because in reality life just doesn't work that way. Being in love or falling in love is just another impermanent stage in life. It's the enduring love you have and the constant of always being there for the other party makes a relationship have a better chance in sustaining for a life time.
On another side of the coin, how does one gage whether or not to 'throw in the towel' and accept that it is time to end it? I guess it is harder when the decision is not mutual. In the majority of cases one party would choose to call it quits while the other party is left behind. How does the party that is left behind reconcile and deal with what they perceived to be an abrupt ending? I guess one answer to this is to recognize the relationship for what it was worth, what you have experienced so far and to not extrapolate what could have potentially been in the future because no one can predict the future, and because the future has not happened yet we must recognize that it would be ridiculous to grieve about what could have been because technically it was just a projection of what you had envisioned.. the future was not real.
It's great to hear of happy healthy relationships lasting a lifetime however in most cases they do not, and was never meant to be that way. By letting go of this concept that relationships are meant to last a lifetime we can then learn to accept the fact that it was the quality of the relationship rather the duration that is more important. There is no such thing as an unsuccessful relationship because throughout the duration of the period you were together you learn tremendously about eachother and yourself. The success of it is dependent on how much you mature and grow from the experience.
Also what we feel at the current time might not necessarily be consistent with how you will be feeling for a person let's say in a year,10 years or 25 years. Everything is in an impermanent state...there is really nothing constant about life itself. You can potentially grow together or you can grow apart.
Given that everyone is aware that the only thing constant in life is change itself dont'you think it's quite unrealistic to put such pressure on expecting each relationship that you are in to last a life time? Don't get me wrong i'm not saying to call it quits as soon as the 'honeymoon' period is over as realistically it does take alot of commitment and effort to make relationships work.
It's not like how they portray it in Hollywood where every day you will feel that you are totally in love with this person or connected with this person. Because in reality life just doesn't work that way. Being in love or falling in love is just another impermanent stage in life. It's the enduring love you have and the constant of always being there for the other party makes a relationship have a better chance in sustaining for a life time.
On another side of the coin, how does one gage whether or not to 'throw in the towel' and accept that it is time to end it? I guess it is harder when the decision is not mutual. In the majority of cases one party would choose to call it quits while the other party is left behind. How does the party that is left behind reconcile and deal with what they perceived to be an abrupt ending? I guess one answer to this is to recognize the relationship for what it was worth, what you have experienced so far and to not extrapolate what could have potentially been in the future because no one can predict the future, and because the future has not happened yet we must recognize that it would be ridiculous to grieve about what could have been because technically it was just a projection of what you had envisioned.. the future was not real.
It's great to hear of happy healthy relationships lasting a lifetime however in most cases they do not, and was never meant to be that way. By letting go of this concept that relationships are meant to last a lifetime we can then learn to accept the fact that it was the quality of the relationship rather the duration that is more important. There is no such thing as an unsuccessful relationship because throughout the duration of the period you were together you learn tremendously about eachother and yourself. The success of it is dependent on how much you mature and grow from the experience.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
The amazing support of friends
Sometimes when something bad happens .. if you look hard enough you can see something positive come out of it. Recently i was dumped by my g/f whom i loved dearly and i can probably say that i never loved someone so much before. Needless to say that when she left i was really devastated as if someone pounced out at me from a dark alley way and totally knocked the wind out of me. It totally hit me by surprise.
Eventhough she is gone.... through this difficult time... i've come to realize how much love I have in my life. The strong support that my friends have shown me is truly a God Send.
My ex g/f from Singapore has contacted me on a regular basis to see how i am doing. Thank god i have her in my life, the loyalty, support and love we have for eachother feels like it's stronger than family itself. I'm so thankful that God allowed for us to maintain our friendship.
Another friend of mine who has the keys to my condo has come over during her lunch hours to help me clean up my place as i don't really have the heart to do anything at the moment. During this difficult time in my life i know i have probably been repeating myself over and over again... but no matter how many times i talk about the same thing.. she never fails to lose her patience with me and have been supportive of me... even crying at times when she saw me hurting so bad.
Another close friend of mine from the East Coast offered to fly out to keep me company.
A friend in SG helped me seek out a fortune teller with my picture to assist in my wild and crazy desperate attempt to find some peace and answers to what exactly happened and to ease this anguish and shock that i am currently experiencing.
My close friend in HK has phoned me a couple of times just to check up on me.. eventhough i probably speak to her maybe once or twice a year... we know that we are always here for eachother at the drop of a hat. Distance is never an issue when the foundations of a solid friendship is laid.
Another friend in the UK (my ex-boss) has text messaged, phoned and wrote me endless e-mails to give me support and strength during this time.
A guy friend whom i had worked with in Calgary earlier this year has also been a pillar for me reminding me how he was earlier this year when a girl broke his heart. He told me how good friends are supposed to be there for eachother and reminded me of how i was there to support and cheer him up, and how that in time... the hurt will go away and then you will be ok again. He wants to be there for me the same way that i was there for him. He reminded me that life is too short to be unhappy, and given that i only have another four more months in Vancouver i should enjoy my remaining time in Vancouver for God knows where my next work contract will be.
There are so many more friends that i must say that i was happily surprised to hear about their concern and support for me.. a lot of these people i rarely talk to on a regular basis but have been in close contact through the years. I guess they saw how happy i was when i met and found Rachel and now they are showing their concern for me. I am always shocked to see in the ways that God works... eventhough Rachel is gone.. God has surrounded me with a large group of friends to let me know how much love i have in my life.
A lesbian couple that i am friends with but are not close to have been also very supportive inviting me over to their place, and trying to get me out of the house to meet more people, hoping for me to get my mind off of Rachel...heh heh... the only downside to me is that i don't get distracted easily so nope.. it ain't going to happen when they try to get me interested in other girls.. i just don't function like that.... for me... it takes time.. i need to process and go through this mourning period or else i will feel that i have a lot of baggage with me and i won't have the heart to be involved with anyone else. it will feel similiar to not thoroughly showering prior to putting on a new set of clothes... i know for me that i will probably move at a snail's pace.. but who cares that's the way i function.... i just can't sweep everything under the rug and pretend that the pain is not there. I am also not going to intensify it in any way.. but accept the fact that i am grieving for something that once was there.. and now is no longer in that state. I am also not going to be hard on myself and push myself to get better.. i am just going to really listen to myself and take it one day at a time.
I guess mourning the loss of someone can be compared to that of contractions when giving birth.. At times you will feel that you are all better.. but then all of a sudden out of the blue you will feel the sadness creeping up on you.. I once explained to a close friend of mine during her breakup that unlike giving birth where the contractions get stronger and stronger. Provided that you really do want to get over someone the contractions will be less frequent over time and the intensity of the contractions will fade. It's only during that time when the contractions completely fade and when there is no longer any pain, can you really go back and reflect on the happy moments you had together. only then will you no longer feel a sense of loss but, rather a celebration of that point in your life. Similiar to a past birthday knowing that that was just a point in your life.. and it was never meant to be a permanent phase in your life.
Getting over someone rapidly or quickly does not reflect on the lack of love you have for them, but rather the determination that you have to really want to move on. On occasions, i tend to think that in order for us to prove how much we loved someone we subconsciously prolong the mourning period just to validate how much we loved someone. Or at other times, being in a state of mourning can prevent us from being hurt again in another relationship, as we feel more safe with the familiar surroundings of mourning for someone.
In reality I think sometimes we tend to underestimate our ability to move on, and we feel disappointed and helpless with ourselves when we feel that our healing process is not as quick as it was originally anticipated.
I thnk the main factor in wanting to really move on is to really be honest with yourself and accept the fact that may be you just subliminally choose to not want to move on.. in fears that the memories of how you felt toward this person will fade away... or that the memories you had with her will be gone.. thus leaving you with nothing and feeling empty. Its basically the fear of letting go of the feelings you had for the person that keeps you wanting to intensify the pain because that is the only way you feel that you can remain close to the person. Sometimes people take many years to get over someone because of this... i'm not saying this is wrong.. because for each individual the mourning process is different. Some of us just might not be ready to let go of the memories or the feelings that we once had, thus it takes a longer time..
But i think the most important thing is to understand that we DO have a choice in really wanting to get over someone.. and i'm not saying to get yourself distracted with someone else but to be fully aware of your situation and not be in denial in the state that you are in. HA HA the way i have analyzed this makes me sound like I am a 'specialist in being dumped'.. when in fact .. the truth is i haven't. I guess i am just the type of person that loves to analyze things, and look at various perspectives. It's like a puzzle taking it apart and slowly analzying each piece... ok ok mebbe i'm obsessive compulsive but at least i'm getting some fun out of it.
Eventhough the the last couple of weeks have been really hard , i must also admit that I am learning alot.. and i feel myself growing tremendously in leaps and bounds. Going back to what i originally wrote in this blog... is that whatever happens to us.. if you look hard enough there will always be something positive coming out of it.. it's just a matter of perspective. You can choose to just focus on the negative aspect however i'm not really sure where that would take you.. so basically the only thing you can take with you is the lessons learned and with these lessons try to become a better and wiser person. Also i guess if you have faith that someone up there is looking after you... it makes a whole lot of difference. Frankly right now i really don't know why God allowed for Rachel to leave me... but i guess at the end of the day it's all in God's plans.. and given that things happen for a reason.. i can only look forward to the future where this pain of missing her will slowly fade and i will eventually get stronger again.
Eventhough she is gone.... through this difficult time... i've come to realize how much love I have in my life. The strong support that my friends have shown me is truly a God Send.
My ex g/f from Singapore has contacted me on a regular basis to see how i am doing. Thank god i have her in my life, the loyalty, support and love we have for eachother feels like it's stronger than family itself. I'm so thankful that God allowed for us to maintain our friendship.
Another friend of mine who has the keys to my condo has come over during her lunch hours to help me clean up my place as i don't really have the heart to do anything at the moment. During this difficult time in my life i know i have probably been repeating myself over and over again... but no matter how many times i talk about the same thing.. she never fails to lose her patience with me and have been supportive of me... even crying at times when she saw me hurting so bad.
Another close friend of mine from the East Coast offered to fly out to keep me company.
A friend in SG helped me seek out a fortune teller with my picture to assist in my wild and crazy desperate attempt to find some peace and answers to what exactly happened and to ease this anguish and shock that i am currently experiencing.
My close friend in HK has phoned me a couple of times just to check up on me.. eventhough i probably speak to her maybe once or twice a year... we know that we are always here for eachother at the drop of a hat. Distance is never an issue when the foundations of a solid friendship is laid.
Another friend in the UK (my ex-boss) has text messaged, phoned and wrote me endless e-mails to give me support and strength during this time.
A guy friend whom i had worked with in Calgary earlier this year has also been a pillar for me reminding me how he was earlier this year when a girl broke his heart. He told me how good friends are supposed to be there for eachother and reminded me of how i was there to support and cheer him up, and how that in time... the hurt will go away and then you will be ok again. He wants to be there for me the same way that i was there for him. He reminded me that life is too short to be unhappy, and given that i only have another four more months in Vancouver i should enjoy my remaining time in Vancouver for God knows where my next work contract will be.
There are so many more friends that i must say that i was happily surprised to hear about their concern and support for me.. a lot of these people i rarely talk to on a regular basis but have been in close contact through the years. I guess they saw how happy i was when i met and found Rachel and now they are showing their concern for me. I am always shocked to see in the ways that God works... eventhough Rachel is gone.. God has surrounded me with a large group of friends to let me know how much love i have in my life.
A lesbian couple that i am friends with but are not close to have been also very supportive inviting me over to their place, and trying to get me out of the house to meet more people, hoping for me to get my mind off of Rachel...heh heh... the only downside to me is that i don't get distracted easily so nope.. it ain't going to happen when they try to get me interested in other girls.. i just don't function like that.... for me... it takes time.. i need to process and go through this mourning period or else i will feel that i have a lot of baggage with me and i won't have the heart to be involved with anyone else. it will feel similiar to not thoroughly showering prior to putting on a new set of clothes... i know for me that i will probably move at a snail's pace.. but who cares that's the way i function.... i just can't sweep everything under the rug and pretend that the pain is not there. I am also not going to intensify it in any way.. but accept the fact that i am grieving for something that once was there.. and now is no longer in that state. I am also not going to be hard on myself and push myself to get better.. i am just going to really listen to myself and take it one day at a time.
I guess mourning the loss of someone can be compared to that of contractions when giving birth.. At times you will feel that you are all better.. but then all of a sudden out of the blue you will feel the sadness creeping up on you.. I once explained to a close friend of mine during her breakup that unlike giving birth where the contractions get stronger and stronger. Provided that you really do want to get over someone the contractions will be less frequent over time and the intensity of the contractions will fade. It's only during that time when the contractions completely fade and when there is no longer any pain, can you really go back and reflect on the happy moments you had together. only then will you no longer feel a sense of loss but, rather a celebration of that point in your life. Similiar to a past birthday knowing that that was just a point in your life.. and it was never meant to be a permanent phase in your life.
Getting over someone rapidly or quickly does not reflect on the lack of love you have for them, but rather the determination that you have to really want to move on. On occasions, i tend to think that in order for us to prove how much we loved someone we subconsciously prolong the mourning period just to validate how much we loved someone. Or at other times, being in a state of mourning can prevent us from being hurt again in another relationship, as we feel more safe with the familiar surroundings of mourning for someone.
In reality I think sometimes we tend to underestimate our ability to move on, and we feel disappointed and helpless with ourselves when we feel that our healing process is not as quick as it was originally anticipated.
I thnk the main factor in wanting to really move on is to really be honest with yourself and accept the fact that may be you just subliminally choose to not want to move on.. in fears that the memories of how you felt toward this person will fade away... or that the memories you had with her will be gone.. thus leaving you with nothing and feeling empty. Its basically the fear of letting go of the feelings you had for the person that keeps you wanting to intensify the pain because that is the only way you feel that you can remain close to the person. Sometimes people take many years to get over someone because of this... i'm not saying this is wrong.. because for each individual the mourning process is different. Some of us just might not be ready to let go of the memories or the feelings that we once had, thus it takes a longer time..
But i think the most important thing is to understand that we DO have a choice in really wanting to get over someone.. and i'm not saying to get yourself distracted with someone else but to be fully aware of your situation and not be in denial in the state that you are in. HA HA the way i have analyzed this makes me sound like I am a 'specialist in being dumped'.. when in fact .. the truth is i haven't. I guess i am just the type of person that loves to analyze things, and look at various perspectives. It's like a puzzle taking it apart and slowly analzying each piece... ok ok mebbe i'm obsessive compulsive but at least i'm getting some fun out of it.
Eventhough the the last couple of weeks have been really hard , i must also admit that I am learning alot.. and i feel myself growing tremendously in leaps and bounds. Going back to what i originally wrote in this blog... is that whatever happens to us.. if you look hard enough there will always be something positive coming out of it.. it's just a matter of perspective. You can choose to just focus on the negative aspect however i'm not really sure where that would take you.. so basically the only thing you can take with you is the lessons learned and with these lessons try to become a better and wiser person. Also i guess if you have faith that someone up there is looking after you... it makes a whole lot of difference. Frankly right now i really don't know why God allowed for Rachel to leave me... but i guess at the end of the day it's all in God's plans.. and given that things happen for a reason.. i can only look forward to the future where this pain of missing her will slowly fade and i will eventually get stronger again.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
This is the night.
This is the night... the night that it has become official and that the reality that i have been wanting to avoid is finally here. My ex g/f that i really loved like i never loved before has chosen to be with someone else. I finally got her to verbally admit to it. It really hurts like hell.. but no matter how hard it was for me to hear her say that i knew that i had to hear this. This has happened so quickly that I feel that a sword has just cut me in half when i wasn't looking..
I totally didn't see this coming. Would things have been easier if i was better prepared ? I'm not sure. it has only been a month since she gave me the news that she was attracted to this person.. back then i was so confident that her love for me would be strong enough to overcome her attraction to this other person.. the past month seems like it has been a very bad dream... is love such a fleeting feeling? how could something so concrete and solid ( well at least in my mind it felt concrete and solid) could disintegrate so quickly right in front of my eyes.. the tone in her voice, our conversations seem to be more and more distant..and it's just happening right in front of me.. i feel like i am watching a movie whereby i am the main character however my hands and legs are tied up thus preventing me to do anything while i watch her slip away.
I feel so helpless and so out of control it seems like there is nothing i can do to prevent this from happening. If i pursue her she is just going to run away if i distance myself from her she will only forget about me in time and her attraction to this other woman will build up as she can be physically present there. the only ammunition I have is our precious moments and memories together.. i hope taht she just doesn't sweep them under the rug and just forget about all the happy times that we had.
Is love really that cheap? doesn't saying the words ' I love you' have any permanence to it.. or does it simply fade once the person closes their mouth? or what does it really mean... saying the words ' i love you so much'... i guess it has different meanings for everyone.. I just wished people would be more responsible for what they say as it can be so harmful when people hear these words and really believe them.
Sometimes you can say that you love the person.. but it's just talk... it's really by their actions that you can tell whether the person loves you or not.
I totally didn't see this coming. Would things have been easier if i was better prepared ? I'm not sure. it has only been a month since she gave me the news that she was attracted to this person.. back then i was so confident that her love for me would be strong enough to overcome her attraction to this other person.. the past month seems like it has been a very bad dream... is love such a fleeting feeling? how could something so concrete and solid ( well at least in my mind it felt concrete and solid) could disintegrate so quickly right in front of my eyes.. the tone in her voice, our conversations seem to be more and more distant..and it's just happening right in front of me.. i feel like i am watching a movie whereby i am the main character however my hands and legs are tied up thus preventing me to do anything while i watch her slip away.
I feel so helpless and so out of control it seems like there is nothing i can do to prevent this from happening. If i pursue her she is just going to run away if i distance myself from her she will only forget about me in time and her attraction to this other woman will build up as she can be physically present there. the only ammunition I have is our precious moments and memories together.. i hope taht she just doesn't sweep them under the rug and just forget about all the happy times that we had.
Is love really that cheap? doesn't saying the words ' I love you' have any permanence to it.. or does it simply fade once the person closes their mouth? or what does it really mean... saying the words ' i love you so much'... i guess it has different meanings for everyone.. I just wished people would be more responsible for what they say as it can be so harmful when people hear these words and really believe them.
Sometimes you can say that you love the person.. but it's just talk... it's really by their actions that you can tell whether the person loves you or not.
Sunday morning
it's 7:30 am in the morning.. and i'm forced to get up so that i can move my car out of the parking lot as they wil be doing some power washing in the parkade. I thought to myself hmm.. if i had a partner i could probably laze in bed and just whine and ask if she would be willing to move the car for me as i really hate to wake up so early in the mornings.. i whine like a little kid for a while...and probably make her a deal so that she would ungrudgingly get out of bed to do this for me . I'm thinking i would have mebbe promised her a nice back massage or something like that when she gets back. While my mind wanders off to this scenario where i would have a partner beside me to do the little things like this for me. I know that that was just a thought. In the process of thinking about this I have already gotten myself dressed, out of bed and looking for my car keys. I've just been so self sufficient on my own that my thoughts are what i would have done if i had a partner with me however it does not make me sad nor do i pity myself that i need to do them myself. I just do it... life just goes on...
Someone whom i dearly loved just told me last week that she feels that i didn't need her... there is lots that is processing through my mind right now... i'm just exploring this concept.. of what really is the meaning of need? it is just a concept that one perceives? how does one gage it? was i not expressive enough or was i too afraid to express that i needed her in fears that one day she would leave me. or did i hold back these thoughts in my head from her so as to not put too much pressure on the relationship?.. hmm.. i have to work on that... to improve myself in that way.. to find that right balance to allow myself to continue to be independent but yet dependent enough so that when two people are together they will both feel that there is a symbiosis going on and that is not one sided, and that she does not feel suffocated.. now looking back i don't really think it was one sided. However in the areas that i take in... the other party failed to see it.. in this aspect we are both guilty of this as we should have openly communicated about this more.. Don't get me wrong this is in no way a "witch hunt" to find the 'culprit' but rather a 'post mortem' of what went wrong and what i can do to improve myself so that i will not repeat the same mistakes twice. Things happen for a reason... the only thing i can take with me now is the experience and from what i can learn from it.
Someone whom i dearly loved just told me last week that she feels that i didn't need her... there is lots that is processing through my mind right now... i'm just exploring this concept.. of what really is the meaning of need? it is just a concept that one perceives? how does one gage it? was i not expressive enough or was i too afraid to express that i needed her in fears that one day she would leave me. or did i hold back these thoughts in my head from her so as to not put too much pressure on the relationship?.. hmm.. i have to work on that... to improve myself in that way.. to find that right balance to allow myself to continue to be independent but yet dependent enough so that when two people are together they will both feel that there is a symbiosis going on and that is not one sided, and that she does not feel suffocated.. now looking back i don't really think it was one sided. However in the areas that i take in... the other party failed to see it.. in this aspect we are both guilty of this as we should have openly communicated about this more.. Don't get me wrong this is in no way a "witch hunt" to find the 'culprit' but rather a 'post mortem' of what went wrong and what i can do to improve myself so that i will not repeat the same mistakes twice. Things happen for a reason... the only thing i can take with me now is the experience and from what i can learn from it.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
It's been four days and six hours since we've last talked or communicated via e-mail or sms. Not a single minute goes by without me thinking about what you are doing or how you are, or did you get enough sleep how is your work coming along..... There are so many things that i want to tell you.. about what i did today.. or what is on my mind. I guess during those 6 months... you have become such an integral part of my life that now not being able to contact you to give you this space to figure out what you want for yourself... it's taking some time to get used to.
When you think about it we've talked on the phone as if we were in the same city and i guess for me distance never was an issue. For me you are constantly in my mind and heart. Just the thought that you are in my life and that you loved me made me feel special.. so special that i have a smile on my face whenever i think about you.
I don't know what our outcome will be on whether or not you will come back , however i guess i will need to move on and accept the fact that whatever you decide or choose no matter how painful it will be.. because i love you so much i will need to accept what you would want.
I've learned a lot during the past 6 months.. Sorta like a child going into adolescence experiencing a growth spurt.
By having you in my life made me feel complete.. that there is you out there for me.... that someone is interested in the most mundane things about me... and it was because you loved me.. it was truly a beautiful experience. it's like these two lives becoming so intertwined that no matter what happiness, sadness, concerns, worry you have . you would want to share with the other person. For the first time in my life I really felt loved in the way that i wanted to be loved.. it's like this warm comfy feel that sits in the bottom of your heart.
The other day I thought to myself why am i going through so much at the moment... was it because i lost the concept of potentially having someone special in my life or was it because of you the person. Given that for the most part of my life i have been single and have been quite happy being on my own. I've come to the conclusion that yes it is you... not because of the concept of having a partner but it was you Rachel, you the person, you your heart,, you your soul... !.... I loved you as a package..... so i decided to make a list... this is not a list to intensify my pain of missing you but rather a list to celebrate what we truly had during this wonderful period of my life. so here is the list:
1. your optimism on life and your ability to be reflective in situations.
2. your ability to feel so much emotions,
3. your passion for life and how you want to try and do everything.
4. your enthusiasm to want to learn so many things
5. your kind heartedness
6. your confidence in yourself
7. your loving and caring nature towards me makes me feel like i am the luckiest person in this world because you loved me.
8. your wit and your sense of humour... we always had such a wonderful time whether it be we are talking about serious topics or we are just joking around poking fun of eachother.
9. our love for eachother.. and how we felt so safe and loved when we were together.. that no matter what obstacles we would be facing i would feel invincible.... because you were there to support me.
10 . my confidence and almost this instinctive behaviour to really love you and take care of you. it's like this marathon race.. it's like you are so motivated to do it because you know that you can.. it's like you have this urge to want to show and shower this person with all the love and beauty that you feel and experience.
11. my connection with you...that i can actually sense when you are thinking about me eventhough we are thousands of miles apart.
12. our compatability with eachother... knowing when to give in to the other person and knowing when to hold one's ground.. we never had any rough patches babe...
i feel that our time together ended up so abruptly that there are going to many more moments many more years of this if you are willing....i think we are really good for eachother.. i believe we fit... we were not entirely the same however in the areas in which we had differences we complemented eachother very well. The only thing that caused the problem is the physical distance between us. don't overestimate one's love for another in the absence of not having their physical presence around to give you that hug or to hold your hand when you feel that you need someone around. i know that being physically apart from eachother was not easy on you. Looking back i guess i should have never said taht i wasn't willing to move to Singapore because at the beginning of our relationship that was how i felt at that point in time... through what we went through.. i'm learning to be more flexible... and that there are many things that are not set in stone.
When you think about it we've talked on the phone as if we were in the same city and i guess for me distance never was an issue. For me you are constantly in my mind and heart. Just the thought that you are in my life and that you loved me made me feel special.. so special that i have a smile on my face whenever i think about you.
I don't know what our outcome will be on whether or not you will come back , however i guess i will need to move on and accept the fact that whatever you decide or choose no matter how painful it will be.. because i love you so much i will need to accept what you would want.
I've learned a lot during the past 6 months.. Sorta like a child going into adolescence experiencing a growth spurt.
By having you in my life made me feel complete.. that there is you out there for me.... that someone is interested in the most mundane things about me... and it was because you loved me.. it was truly a beautiful experience. it's like these two lives becoming so intertwined that no matter what happiness, sadness, concerns, worry you have . you would want to share with the other person. For the first time in my life I really felt loved in the way that i wanted to be loved.. it's like this warm comfy feel that sits in the bottom of your heart.
The other day I thought to myself why am i going through so much at the moment... was it because i lost the concept of potentially having someone special in my life or was it because of you the person. Given that for the most part of my life i have been single and have been quite happy being on my own. I've come to the conclusion that yes it is you... not because of the concept of having a partner but it was you Rachel, you the person, you your heart,, you your soul... !.... I loved you as a package..... so i decided to make a list... this is not a list to intensify my pain of missing you but rather a list to celebrate what we truly had during this wonderful period of my life. so here is the list:
1. your optimism on life and your ability to be reflective in situations.
2. your ability to feel so much emotions,
3. your passion for life and how you want to try and do everything.
4. your enthusiasm to want to learn so many things
5. your kind heartedness
6. your confidence in yourself
7. your loving and caring nature towards me makes me feel like i am the luckiest person in this world because you loved me.
8. your wit and your sense of humour... we always had such a wonderful time whether it be we are talking about serious topics or we are just joking around poking fun of eachother.
9. our love for eachother.. and how we felt so safe and loved when we were together.. that no matter what obstacles we would be facing i would feel invincible.... because you were there to support me.
10 . my confidence and almost this instinctive behaviour to really love you and take care of you. it's like this marathon race.. it's like you are so motivated to do it because you know that you can.. it's like you have this urge to want to show and shower this person with all the love and beauty that you feel and experience.
11. my connection with you...that i can actually sense when you are thinking about me eventhough we are thousands of miles apart.
12. our compatability with eachother... knowing when to give in to the other person and knowing when to hold one's ground.. we never had any rough patches babe...
i feel that our time together ended up so abruptly that there are going to many more moments many more years of this if you are willing....i think we are really good for eachother.. i believe we fit... we were not entirely the same however in the areas in which we had differences we complemented eachother very well. The only thing that caused the problem is the physical distance between us. don't overestimate one's love for another in the absence of not having their physical presence around to give you that hug or to hold your hand when you feel that you need someone around. i know that being physically apart from eachother was not easy on you. Looking back i guess i should have never said taht i wasn't willing to move to Singapore because at the beginning of our relationship that was how i felt at that point in time... through what we went through.. i'm learning to be more flexible... and that there are many things that are not set in stone.
Friday, June 1, 2007
Sunrise with you in my mind.
Hello baby,,, you know how i wake up in the middle of the night.. and then i would like to call you? well lately given that we are closer to summer.. the days have been longer.. it gets light out at around 4:30am.. this morning when i woke up i saw the most amazing sunrise ... immediately i thought of you and because you are not here physically with me.. i got up right away to take this photo..... isn't this beautiful? with you i feel like my mornings are like this every day... love you babe.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
My Bike rides into the Sunset
Sweetheart,
here is a picture of the beach that i keep talking about... i would love to take you here when you come to visit me.
New colours
hi sweetheart... ok so here are the fruits of my labour originally this room used to be a super light green.. it felt a little bit bland so i thought what the hell... let's do something fun... so here it is.. i hope you will like it as this will be our future home office .
Monday, May 21, 2007
for you babe
Hello Baby,,
Missed you this afternoon when i wasn't able to call you before you went to work.. you were in my thoughts all day..
anyways here are some of the things that i bought for you today..
i was thinking ... since you are now planning to go for jogs to get in shape for your trek to Nepal in october here are some things that i think you would be able to use on your jogs....
the belt is pretty kewl.. it has a place for you to keep your change and your mobile phone.. and you have three compartments to store water.. in this way the water on your waste will be distributed evenly when you are jogging.. so you won't have this big humongous bottle going up and down when you are moving those 'sexy hips' of yours.. hehe heh.. ok ok .i know i've embarrassed you now with my last comment..
Missed you this afternoon when i wasn't able to call you before you went to work.. you were in my thoughts all day..
anyways here are some of the things that i bought for you today..
i was thinking ... since you are now planning to go for jogs to get in shape for your trek to Nepal in october here are some things that i think you would be able to use on your jogs....
the belt is pretty kewl.. it has a place for you to keep your change and your mobile phone.. and you have three compartments to store water.. in this way the water on your waste will be distributed evenly when you are jogging.. so you won't have this big humongous bottle going up and down when you are moving those 'sexy hips' of yours.. hehe heh.. ok ok .i know i've embarrassed you now with my last comment..
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