it's 7:30 am in the morning.. and i'm forced to get up so that i can move my car out of the parking lot as they wil be doing some power washing in the parkade. I thought to myself hmm.. if i had a partner i could probably laze in bed and just whine and ask if she would be willing to move the car for me as i really hate to wake up so early in the mornings.. i whine like a little kid for a while...and probably make her a deal so that she would ungrudgingly get out of bed to do this for me . I'm thinking i would have mebbe promised her a nice back massage or something like that when she gets back. While my mind wanders off to this scenario where i would have a partner beside me to do the little things like this for me. I know that that was just a thought. In the process of thinking about this I have already gotten myself dressed, out of bed and looking for my car keys. I've just been so self sufficient on my own that my thoughts are what i would have done if i had a partner with me however it does not make me sad nor do i pity myself that i need to do them myself. I just do it... life just goes on...
Someone whom i dearly loved just told me last week that she feels that i didn't need her... there is lots that is processing through my mind right now... i'm just exploring this concept.. of what really is the meaning of need? it is just a concept that one perceives? how does one gage it? was i not expressive enough or was i too afraid to express that i needed her in fears that one day she would leave me. or did i hold back these thoughts in my head from her so as to not put too much pressure on the relationship?.. hmm.. i have to work on that... to improve myself in that way.. to find that right balance to allow myself to continue to be independent but yet dependent enough so that when two people are together they will both feel that there is a symbiosis going on and that is not one sided, and that she does not feel suffocated.. now looking back i don't really think it was one sided. However in the areas that i take in... the other party failed to see it.. in this aspect we are both guilty of this as we should have openly communicated about this more.. Don't get me wrong this is in no way a "witch hunt" to find the 'culprit' but rather a 'post mortem' of what went wrong and what i can do to improve myself so that i will not repeat the same mistakes twice. Things happen for a reason... the only thing i can take with me now is the experience and from what i can learn from it.
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